What It Means to Have Self-Compassion

I was talking with a client about self-compassion in the context of parenting recently.

He was concerned that if he offered himself too much self-compassion when he made mistakes, he would let himself off the hook too much and therefore not set boundaries.

I did my doctoral research on the concept of self-compassion as it relates to parenting stress and I wanted to unpack this concept in this blog because this might be a new idea for you.

Parenting is hard sometimes and it’s inevitable that we make mistakes throughout our journey.

Self-compassion can help us soften the blow of self-flagellation (which most of us are familiar with) and release the guilt and shame that often accompany us in those low moments.

In addition, self-compassion can be a self-regulating mechanism that we can model for our children, which is a win-win.

So, let’s break it down.

What self-compassion actually means:

 
While compassion means being open and moved by the suffering of others, self-compassion simply (but not-so-simply!) means being open and moved by one's own suffering. This does not mean being self-centered or "selfish."

In a research context, self-compassion has 6 components (which operate in pairs/opposites as you will see below):

Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

 Self-kindness means speaking to yourself with a sense of support and understanding in the way you'd speak to a cherished loved one or close friend. If someone you love was suffering, how would you speak to them? Would you offer words of kindness? Can you offer the same kindness to yourself?

Self-judgment on the other hand means speaking to yourself with harsh criticism and judging yourself for the mistakes you made. You might be saying things like, “I’m a horrible parent. How could I do such a stupid thing? Idiot!”

Common Humanity vs. Isolation

Common humanity means acknowledging that suffering is part of the human condition. When we have this belief, we might have thoughts like “We are all in this together" or “All parents/CFOs/men/business owners feel this way sometimes.”

The opposite of common humanity is the feeling that "I'm the only one who feels this way" or "I'm the only one who has ever experienced this particular type of pain." "No one understands me,” is a common sentiment we have when we are experiencing a sense of Isolation.

Mindfulness vs. Over-identification

Mindfulness helps us to be in a non-judgmental, receptive state. We pay attention to what is actually happening in the moment as an observer instead of being engrossed in the narrative of our mind (“Why is this happening to me? It’s not fair. She’s being a brat!”).

When we are mindful, we bring intention, attention, and awareness.

When we are over-identifying, we are getting swept up in our own feeling state. Instead of recognizing that feelings come and go, we might say, “I AM angry,” which is a statement of identity. The following statements show a subtle, but very important distinction in the way the person is relating to the experience.

I am angry = angry is my identity.
I feel angry = a passing state that will wash over and through me and then end.

Self-compassion leads to better emotion regulation, which leads to lower stress, which leads to reduced overwhelm and burnout. 

Self-compassion is negatively associated with performance (short-term) goals and positively associated with mastery goals. 

Related to self-compassion is the concept of growth mindset. In a growth mindset, you view your failures or mistakes in a larger context. Instead of, "I made a mistake, therefore I am the worst and I'll never be successful," you view the mistake as "this is a learning opportunity." Instead of viewing negative feedback as criticism, we view it as helpful data or information to improve oneself.

Self-compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook. It means an inner knowing that you are still a good person and that every single human alive makes mistakes, forgets things, loses things, yells at their kids sometimes, and sometimes fails to accomplish their goals or tasks.