The Surprising Truth About Respect and Your Child's Behavior

I need to clarify something I shared last week.

Last week, I told the students in my CALMER parenting class that I never have to deal with sass, attitude, defiance, or disrespect in my teenagers. I shared this to illustrate that, despite the many challenges we faced with our children when they were very small, raising them the CALMER way has resulted in kind, polite, respectful young adults who never give us trouble.

But that’s not entirely true.

A Real-Life Example: The College Forms Incident

This weekend, my oldest asked for some help filling out some forms for college. Thinking this would be a relatively quick task, I set aside the other weekend chores I was working on and sat down next to them on the couch.

Filling out forms is stressful for my eldest, and with mounting frustration (and hunger!) from both of us, we ended up spending over an hour on this. In the last 10 or 15 minutes, my husband stepped in to help finish the forms, as I was agitated that my chores were now delayed (and did I mention I was hungry?). My kid was also now running late to an event and needed a ride.

When they finished the task, they got up from the couch and said sharply, “Can we go now?”

Are you kidding me?! I’ve been ready to go for half an hour! I’ve delayed my own tasks so I could help you with something that was supposed to take 20 minutes and that was an hour and a half ago!

I noticed myself starting to feel angry.

The Car Ride: A Moment of Reflection

In the car on the way to the event, the following happened:
1. My kid apologized for the way they spoke to me, explaining that sometimes they’re not aware of their tone, especially when they are stressed (and hungry).
2. We had a good chat about what happened and how our own brain wiring got in the way of our respective abilities to be calm and emotionally regulated.
3. I remembered that my kid was doing the best they could in that moment, that the stress of filling out forms, feeling hungry, and running late made it impossible for them to also “be nice.”

This experience reminded me of an important lesson: **our kids are always doing the best they can with the resources they have at any moment.**

Shifting Perspectives: From Respect to Development

So, did my kid speak “disrespectfully” to me or “give me attitude”? Some might say yes.

But the truth is, I never think of it in those terms. Even though it doesn’t feel good when my day’s plan is disrupted by an unexpected task that takes longer than I thought it would and it certainly doesn’t feel good to be spoken to in a sharp, demanding tone, I always know that my kids are doing the best they can, and that if they could do better, they would – and when they can, they will!

If you don’t want your child to be disrespectful, stop viewing their behavior through the lens of respect. Instead, try viewing their behavior through the lens of development: kids are doing the best they can for the developmental stage they are at and the internal resources they have available at any given moment.

Practical Steps to Shift Your Perspective

1. Pause: When you feel disrespected, take a moment to breathe and remind yourself that your child is navigating their own challenges and developmental stages.
2. Communicate Openly: Discuss with your child how their actions made you feel and encourage them to express what they were experiencing. You can do this even with very young children, using simplified language.
3. Empathy and Understanding: Recognize that stress, hunger, tiredness, and other factors can affect both your child's and your own ability to stay calm and regulated.
4. Model Emotional Regulation: Show your child how to manage their emotions by managing your own. This teaches them valuable life skills.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey Together

Remember, if we view our children's behavior through the lens of their development and recognize that they are doing the best they can with the resources they have at any moment, we can approach challenging moments with more empathy and understanding.

Curious about how to be a CALMER parent? Go to www.katherineendy.com/call and be sure to write "CALMER" in the intake form.